I am not an unschooler

This past year I tried a more relaxed unschooling approach to school and I learned a really big lesson, I AM NOT AN UNSCHOOLER! Try as I might, as much as the kids loved it, I can not let go that much. So now I am researching and looking up all kids of curriculum. Blaming myself for not doing anything this year. Kev has been great making me stop and think about what we really leaned when we didn't learn anything. He is also great at reminding me I can not go back in time and change what I did I can only go forward and change what I plan to do.
So back from the ND conference and after spending what feels like hours looking at curriculum I feel a little better about moving forward. The dream of unschooling is still alluring but I now know I need to be able to measure my kids growth, and they need to be pushed a little. Its just who we are and that is ok.
I am still reading lots of books about unschooling, and how to break my measuring stick or how to make a new one that fits each kid. I now need to make long term goal sheets for the kids so I can make reference to them in Jan-Feb when I am freaking out.

Why X 5

So Kev came home with a business thing that says to get to the bottom of something ask why 5 times. So I thought I would try it and you know what it did work. When I started with I hate work I came down to no I don't hate work I hate that my kids keep growing and I have to work to maintain our life style. I am not happy in our schooling and need to do that question next.

I not happy with the way schooling has been going
Why (1)
Because I feel they are not learning enough compared to other HS or PS
Why (2)
Because they don't shine in one subject that I can highlight and say see we are doing that really good
Why(3)
Because I need the validation that I am doing something right
Why (4)
Because sometimes I don't feel like I am doing what is right for my kids, I am doing what is right for me
Why(5)
Because I know having them home is right for me but is it better for them?

Well see how that 5 question thing works. That is not where I thought I would end up. Not being happy about school is actually about weather I am being selfish. But if I look in my hearts of hearts its true. Now what to do about that...I still need to figure that out.
If you end with two answers to one why question you can then split off and do them both no matter where in the questions it comes up. Like if at my 3rd why I had two parts in my answer "because I don't notice and I need validation" then I could split it up and do two paths from that point.

Day 3 of the new system

With more day light more seems to get done. The kids are getting up earlier and wanting to get school work done right away. This is great and not so great at the same time. I still get up and do my thing in the morning and am not ready for them until 9:30. That means they have time to fart around and get into trouble before that and at 9:30 they may not be ready to move off the activity they have found to keep them self occupied with and into school. Then I if I say ok lets start early I fall behind in what I need to do or I can not keep track of the time during the lesson and they work to long or not long enough.
I will get this, one day. I am worried about nice weather taking us away from our studies. But it will be what it will be. I started a new book called Take a deep breath you can do this, its all about homeschooling and so far I really like the style its written. I like her voice and what she has to say. My favorite so far was its ok if your gets are just average or even bellow average. This took pressure off me somehow. I don't feel like I need to do better then the school system I just need to do good by my kids and my family. Kev is still a great cheering squad and I love him for it. Sometimes I look at him and wonder what he is still doing here and why is still agreeing to this. But he never wavers and is always willing to help and cheer me on. How did I get so lucky?

Writing to tear

I am a bucket dipper when it comes to writing with D. He is not a natural writer and does not come by it easily. When we try writing programs we struggle and I dip into his bucket. To understand this you need to know we are reading about feeling buckets and dippers and how it all makes us feel. But the idea is that I am mean and can not seem to stop myself from getting mad at him. Why is this, because I write all the time. I blog, I post, I write short stories. Not that I do anything with any of it but I do it. So why, oh why can the boy who is like me in so many other ways not write? Why don't the words flow out of him? K is working on a story with out being asked to and it is coming along really well. D is killing me today saying he does not know how to answer a question in a full sentence. WHAT?? Yes he does and he does it all the time. I even called him lazy today. Something I hate doing but really that is how I felt, like he we just being lazy. I don't want to call him that but what else am I suppose to think? I know he knows the answer he just does not seem to be able to give it to me. He did it yesterday with out a problem. At lest I think he did. Or did he just manage to get the answer out of me? Maybe like math it needs to be on the computer away from me. But even reading today was pulling teeth. K has been and angle but that is because he sees me struggling with D and knows I can not do both on the same day. He will keep his melt down until D is working hard then it will be his turn.
Kids... they know how to play us parents like fiddles.

New day, new month, new scheduled.

So to try and help out we have gone back to more of a schooling feel in the house. I just am not getting over the "my kids are learning nothing" feeling. So DH and I sat down on the weekend, made a schedule and plan and now I am trying to put it to work. WOW this is a lot of work. Not they I did not expect it to be but it take a lot out of me to keep them on track and on task. I also keep getting side tracked with other things, like blogging. I have learned something today, and that is why I have such a hard time teaching writing. Not the spelling of writing or the making of letters, but the composing of writing. When my kids write something and dictate it to me or read it to me I want to change it to my voice, because I think its better. This is not doing them any good. It was like math, because it came easily to me it is hard to teach. I am thinking it maybe one of those things they need to do on the computer, marked by someone else. I also found after reading John Holts book How we are failing our kids that Dathen is very good at getting me to answer the question for him. He knows how to push the right buttons so he does not have to do as much work. I now see this and am going to work really hard to stop letting him do it. Other then all this the day has gone well and I felt like we got lots done. I did not feel like I had to chase the kids around to do stuff or feel like I was always running behind. It was a nice change, we will see how long it lasts. I don't have much hope with the nicer weather coming but only time will tell.

freak out over

So last week I was freaking out about school and the lack of learning going on. It all came to a head this weekend with me crying in the bathroom, beating myself up and feeling like crap. But after talking to my hubby and agreeing to throw money and the problem (kidding) I am feeling better and on track again. We had a family meeting to talk about what our goals are, how TV is stopping us and what we need to do to get back on track. All these things helped, along with buying new curriculum to help with reading. We agreed we need to get back into working a little harder then we had been and come back to some subjects we had walked away from. History being a big one, writing is another. I agreed to work on reading the rest of this school year and writing will come next year. I hope this reading program will help keep me focused and seeing growth in the kids. Its in the mail and I will not get it for a week or so. Fingers crossed, and toes, and arms and anything else that might help.

Bucket

So far so good with the bucket book and making them aware of filling there and other buckets. Still feeling like they are not learning anything. Especially when Dathen has a melt down over the 3 times table today. The 7 times table and his melt down I understood a little more, but 3 times? He should know these, they should not bring tears to his eyes. I worry between his math and reading/writing/spelling skills I am failing him. If he was in PS he would be going to special classes for these things. Not that I want him to have all the feelings that goes with that but he would be with people who know how to teach him these things. Would have the schooling to know what he needs. What I am missing. Oh if I believed in a god today would be a day I needed him. For him to tell me I am doing the right thing and all will be ok. But I don't and so I need to figure this out on my own, or just let it go and hope it all works out. Hope is not as strong as faith, but when that is all you have you have to go with it.
     Kevin is sick with a hernia and I am worried about him. I am not sure how he is doing with all that. But I have not had the time to talk to him about school these days. I kind of miss out time together. By working late, dinner late and him trying to get money worked out and stuff its hard. Maybe this weekend we will find time if he is not to sore.

not happy with school

So looking back over the year I am not happy with the amount of school work we did this year. We took a lot of time off and did very little school work. I am more worried about Dathen and this plain then Kyler. I guess I figure I have more time with Kyler to make sure he is caught up. But Dathen has less time and struggles with more. I worry he has not done enough English because he struggles with reading, is allergic to pencils, and hates writing. I worry he has not or little history because we stopped doing it. I worry he has no science because we have not found a curriculum we have liked for that. I hate making him do things he does not want to do. It does not make our time together fun and enjoy able. I want this time to be a good time in his life not one of me yelling and him crying and hating me. But I want to make sure he has the tools to go to school if he chooses or to work productively in what ever field he picks. Right now I need to work on him not being lazy. He writes no scribbles his math out on scrap pieces of paper, he complains about having to get up and get one. He does not want to get up to get a calculator. His room is gross and messy. I can not vacuum in there at all. He has stuff every where. I can live with his room, I just clothes the door, but the rest really bugs me! Getting school work done is a chore and one I am not liking right now. I would rather clean the bathrooms some days then do school with them. I feel like all the other moms got a running start at this, by starting younger then we did. They have time to play around and experiment. I don't. I feel like there is a clock ticking away with Dathen and I am running late like a white rabbit. I have made a coffee date with another home schooler in hopes of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. In the few seconds I talked to her about it to tell her I wanted to meet she explained part of this is FEBRUARY. I hope to learn more next week as how she deals with it and what I can do.

bucket filling project

Today I am starting a bucket filling project inspired by the book growing up with a bucket full of happiness, three rules for a happier life. I hope to pr read a few pages and think of an activity to do with the kids every day for the next month with them. I came across this book while we where on holidays in Calgary. After feeling not connected with my kids, and the house not running the way I would like, I am going to try this to get back on track. Spending time together only goes so far, and because we don't go to church we need this information another way.
     The kids are having a great learning day. Looking things up for mine craft, and monkey jam (stop animation program). They have done reading and listened to the start of Moby Dick which they can not get enough of. They still have math and chore to do but they can do those on there own while I am at work and they have no activities tonight.
     I have my fist tea tasting party tomorrow. I am scared and nerviness but trying to remind myself that its all just fun and I don't have bills waiting to be paid on this to succeeding. I just want to order some tea for me. Hopefully someone will buy something but oh well if they don't, I have learned lots and am still learning.

Dentist

I hate dentist, not like most people who don't like going and say "I hate the dentist" and everyone else around agrees with them. I REALLY hate dentist. From the day before the appointment to the 10 hours after the appointment, its all hell. I have horrible anxiety about the dentist from childhood and it comes out full bloom on teeth cleaning day. Its the one time I have never mastered my anxiety and this make it worse. I beat myself up over the fact at I can not control my anxiety when it comes to the dentist. It seems to be getting worse as the years and cleanings go by. I think I am going to have to go to the doctor to get some meds for it. Not something I really want to do but I think I need to. The kids seem me and I try to explain to them its not the dentist or the cleaning its something I can not control. But I worry that may not be enough to explain it and I don't want to pass it along to them.
     Because we went for out teeth cleaning today we are taking it slow today. We slept in, went to the dentist, listen to vial cafee and then do a little school work. Not a big day. I need to recoup.

blow up at our house

So last night we had a big melt down in family communication. Dathen and Kyler were not doing dishes very well together and were about to start fighting. Dad and I stepped in, ok mostly dad because he knew I was going to lose it. The next thing I know Dathen is walking away, I am yelling and Dad has no idea how we got here. Doors start slamming, I yell Dathen cries and I send him to bed after he brushes his teeth. What a night. After Kyler, Dad and I finished dishes I got to cool down and think. What happened was not all Dathens fault or mine but a lack of communication on both our parts. Dad went and talked to Dathen and made him understand that just staying quiet is not always the way to deal with problems. I took the time to realize that him being quite was just pushing my buttons. He came back down and we talked and I hope feel better about all that happened.
     The whole this gave me time to think about how I was reacting to our trip and where my brain was after spending so much time with in-law family. I realized that I was not where I wanted to be or needed to be, I was seeing things in boxes again. I was seeing my kids as not fitting into boxes and that was a bad thing. But that was why we home school. So my kids don't have to fit in those dumb boxes. But all it took as a little time out of my bubble to go back to that thinking. How to people do this? I need to be able to spend time in the world and not lose my track on life.
     What I loved was while at one of the activities a boy came up to us and asked if we were home schoolers, "yes" Kyler replied "cool, us too" and then he swam away to his other friend. I would have hoped this would light something up for me to say "see you are doing something ok". I just find I forget quickly that this (HS) is ok, I am doing a good job, and my kids don't need to fit in box.

Home again

So after a week holiday and no school work we are home again. We took Monday more or less off because we were all so tiered! It was a good holiday and I say we did not school work but we saw 3 science museums and a history walk. So I guess we did do some. This was our first holiday with my brother in law, and a great learning lesson. We learned how long we can be together, how it effects my family and how to better plain if we do it again. My hope is to get back to a little school today and the rest of the week. But it is so nice outside its hard to keep them in. So we will see what the day brings. They have both returned to liking me read to them, so I am happy about that. I missed that time with them. But they must have needed a break because for a few months they wanted nothing to do with me reading to them. As all the books say just when you figure something out it changes. I stressed a lot while with the other Petursson family. thinking my kids were not getting the same education. I still think it was the right chose but worry I don't do enough, make them do enough, or work hard enough. They have kids that do great in school, where mine had a hard time fitting in the box. They have tough kids who can take the emotional roughness of it, I don't. It made me feel bad to think for some reason my kids did not "fit". What did I do wrong? Should I make my kids tougher, cram them into some kind of box, make them fit some how? And how would I do that? It all just made me want to go back to my bubble.
So now we are back to our bubble, and I am starting to feel better. After the kids had some horrible sleep. Kyler had an anxiety attack and Dathen cried in his sleep, and my body felt like it was hit by a train. But today we all seem better.

education on vaction

I always plan on and bring school with us when we travel. What a great time to learn I think, when we are in the car for 13 hours. This never works out. The kids plug into TV and I never see them again. This time I thought I would be smart and put "educational" tv on the electronics, ha Dad did not know my plain and put junk on too. Guess what they watched. I bring books and think we can read, write down fun facts we learn, talk about our days. Again this never seems to happen. I wonder if anyone manages to do book work while on vacation. Not to say the kids don't learn things, they do, just not from our scheduled school work. This is ok, I can leave with this. They are learning so much more in real life experiences.

Be nice to me day

So this blog was suppose to be about school and what the kids are doing and how they are growing. But right now or at lest for today its about me. I am having a be nice to me day. I have been struggling the last week or so trying to be in a good mood, happy would be nice. So when I got up this morning I did not force my aching body into a run, or work my back muscles on the rowing machine, no today while lying in bed thinking of all reasons not to get up I decided to be nice to my self today. I got up and did 30 min of Yoga, followed by hot tea. I did not shower, or put on make up, I did not do my hair or change into "real" cloths for the day. No, today I am going to wear yoga pants, sloppy t shirts and sweat shirt, big slippers and a smile. I am going to have a healthy lunch with all 4 food groups followed by a piece of chocolate and I am not going to feel guilty about it. I am going to smile at my kids and listen to them. We are going to make art and listen to a good book. We might even watch a movie later. This is my be nice to myself day. Its only 11 but so far I am feeling better already. The kids seem happy today which is going to help. Its still cold as all get out at -32c with the wind and I don't think that is helping my mood. I need sunshine and fresh air. But this to shall pass as I always say. 

Ukloo

The game Ukloo is a wonderful scavenger hunt game that gave me 30 min. of quite on a -32C day. I love this game! Its easy to set up with cards pre thought of and made all you have to do is hide them. Then give the kids one to start and they are off. By the way they are reading with out even knowing it. HAHAHA that is my evil mom laugh. They are also working together.
Hey a mom stuck in the house with her kids all week has to think of something to do with them. It was to cold to walk to the soup kitchen today, so we are spending the day inside.
I am still not sleeping great, a little better last night but still not like I used to.
Oh have to go reset the game, the kids want to do it again. I don't mind I takes less then 5 to set up. And I get more then that in peace. I think every mom should have this game. To bad no one reads my blog.
School is going ok other wise, I always worry, I always think we don't do enough, I am always thinking I closed doors on them by doing this. Wonder if this is why I don't sleep. No that cant be it.

mid year reports

Done and in the mail. That mid year report that I was not looking forward to having to write. I did not know what I was going to say. By taking more of the unschooling direction I was afread there was going to be nothing to say. I was wrong, I filled in the subjects with easy and confidence. Who knew we were learning so much.
Christmas went well, and new years eve was full of new games. Now I am fighting to get back into routine just to go on holidays in 2 weeks and being disrupted again. I am not sleeping well and I don't know if it because of this up coming holiday, lack of routine with the kids, or something I am eating. All I know is I am sleeping late and have little drive to do anything. I am reacting like I am stressed about something, but I can not pin point what that something is.
Maybe its my excitement of starting another business? I am planing to buy into Steeped Tea and start selling it.
Hoping for better sleep and a happy days.

Sick of mine craft??

So it happened, it finally happened. Kyler said "I am sick of mine craft actually" today and got off the computer. His brother was not far behind. WOW it only took 4 month but it has happened. They are ready to move on. To what they and I don't have a clue but to something. To bad tomorrow is Christmas and they will be bring home a bunch of new toys to entertain themselves with. This means that this time of board-em will soon be filled with stuff to do. I have been waiting for them to hit this wall. I think this is when they learn what inspires them. When stuff is not been handed to them. They have to go find something to do. Up until now its been mine craft or school work. But mine craft has now run its course, I hope.

Christmas

Seems we are still fighting the ps system a little. The ps system is off for holidays now and so my kids think they should be to. I how ever do not think they need a break yet. I still have to work, dad still has to work so they should still have to work. It not like we are doing big projects or asking them to write long papers or anything. I think I will stick to my guns on this one. They could finish their work in a few hours and be off with there friends if they work at it. Yep I am going to stay with it for the next day or two.

Passive learning

So after talking last night at parent night and then following up with hubby I came to a new in site about our house and its learning style. We are passive learners not aggressive learners. We are not researchers, or book worms that spend hours in books or on line looking stuff up. We don't write papers, make booklets, or do work sheets. We are listen to interesting cbc stories, watch educational and entertaining shows, play games that might teach us a thing or two. We talk to each other and ask questions of people who might know the answers.
     It has taken me almost 2 years to learn this and be ok with it. Strewing things for my kids to find also does not work, but listening to them retell me information from things they have seen or heard does and then maybe asking questions to make them think or want to know more or sometimes just letting that be enough. These things work for us.
     So when I see the aggressive learning family and start to wonder why can't we be like them, I hope to re read this and remind myself we are not that kind of learners, but we are learning. Not everyone is a go getter, make reports, do projects kind of person. Some of use like our information gently introduced into our minds and this is ok and learning too. On the outside it might not look as impressive but inside it feels right for us.

Sex ed

     This is not something we thought of when we decided to homeschool. We talked about math, science, reading and writing but not sex ed. I don't know if most parents do. But guess what, I don't get to pass the sex talk onto someone else. They are not going to have some unconformable teacher try to tell them about sex to a giggling class of peers. No this lesson lands on mom and dad. And in this house mostly mom. My oldest is now 12, and I hope no where near sex but his body is changing so we need to start having these conversations.  I have put out books, but he is not a big reader and I don't know how much he has read on this. I guess I am going to have to make a game plain and just jump in. If I think about this to much I will work myself up and not be able to do it with the confidence I think he needs from me.
     As uncomfortable as this conversation is going to be at lest I will know he is getting good information, from a loving environment. I hope this will not traumatize him and if it does let me say on the record that I am sorry and I am only doing what I think is best.